Fight Well

Dr. John Gottman can predict with 90% accuracy whether a marriage will end in divorce simply by watching them handle a disagreement. It turns out HOW - not IF - we fight is the key to healthy, collaborative relationships. I believe the same holds for colleagues at work. 

Disagreements amongst and between teams are healthy. That's how we push ourselves to new heights. The difference between good and great teams is not how rarely they disagree. Rather, it is how they handle disagreements. One of my business heroes, Jeff Bezos, recently shared a similar sentiment about Amazon. In an earnings call, when asked why Amazon continues to beat it's competitors, he credited their mantra of "disagree and commit". The emphasis being on truly committing to the success of an idea whether you agree with it or not. 

While this point of view can be powerful for a company to adopt at any point, it is never more important than during significant stress e.g., digital transformation. During a transformation, disagreements will be more frequent and more intense. It is critical to the success of the organization that these disagreements be managed without lasting interpersonal damage. While positivity is a much stronger force than negativity, it is much more delicate. So being vigilant is key.

In The Wild

While leading a digital transformation at Forbes Media from 2015-2020, we sought an executive coach to help equip our team with the tools necessary to navigate these sensitive times. Surprisingly, we did not find any coaches focused on the emotional side of professional disagreements. So, we went to the heart of it and asked a renowned New York City-based couples therapist, Dr. David Bricker, to hold a series of workshops at our offices.

In these workshops, Dr. Bricker would create a safe environment where all team members could share a situation where they either had to give a tough talk or receive one. A tough talk can include expressing discontent with the quality of one's work, pointing out a mistake in a project, or confronting a colleague who has not met a deadline. Dr. Bricker would sit with the team and role play with us, discussing how each party acted or reacted and how it could have been done more positively. He would always fall back on the three secrets, first published in Feeling Good Together, by Dr. David Burns. After witnessing major changes and pivots in specific interpersonal relationships, I can attest to their universal effectiveness. Those three secrets are:

• Empathize

• Assert

• Respect

Empathize

Empathizing means two things: validating a concern and describing how that person may be feeling. As simple as it sounds, it requires significant practice to gain the muscle memory needed to do this consistently. Why? Because when receiving a criticism, we feel we are being attacked. When we are being attacked, we are programmed to defend ourselves. Empathizing first is a truly enlightened move.

The key here is to overlook any hyperbole, and to find the grain of truth in what the other person is saying. All people, at their core, really just want to be validated. If you offer that prior to your defense, you will be blown away at the results.

Example (receiving a tough talk):

"You always forget to get my input on these designs!"

"You are right. I have made that mistake in the past. I can imagine you are frustrated and may even feel dismissed or disrespected."

Assert

Once you have diffused the tension by empathizing, the next step is to address the problem itself. You can also use this step to explain things from your point of view, without being defensive. Asserting your feelings plays a major role in preventing negativity from building up on your end as well.

Example (cont'd):

"I totally understand how you feel. I do have to say that I have pinged you in the past and not received a response. But, I am happy to set a reminder in my calendar to make sure to follow up with you."

Respect

After validating the person and sharing your feelings, its time to set the tone back to positive. It is very important to end the exchange by respecting or paying a compliment to the other person. Generally, the compliment should apply to the given situation and in some ways reinforce the earlier validation.

Example (cont'd):

"I think its great that you are so passionate about these designs. I love knowing that you want them to succeed as much as I do."

Conclusion

Simply by changing the language we use and the order in which we convey it, we have the power to change very negative interactions into very positive ones. It is a truly profound experience to go through. Once you unleash the power of positive communication, your company will become stronger.

Note: a version of this article was first published on Forbes Media